The
Vidiot's Glossary
From: John Lamberti
WLNE Providence, RI
VIDEO
...Pictures.
Some pretty, some not -- It depends on how long the tape sat out of
its case in the empty McDonald's French fry bag on the front seat of
the Shooter's car. Without video television would be exactly like radio,
except that on radio they sometimes stop talking during the music.
AUDIO
...Part
of the television signal that no one cares about, but something has
to accompany the video.
PRODUCER
...Someone
who owns a digital stopwatch, but can't count backwards.
DIRECTOR
...Someone
who can count backwards from 3, but can't afford a digital stopwatch.
From:
James Cairney BBC-TV London
ARTIST
..(1)
What the director thinks he is. ..(2) Anyone who understands that Pixels
are not tiny little flying things with names like Tinkerbell.
SCHMUCK
..What
everyone else thinks the director is.
EDITOR
..(1)
a piece of equipment with a lot of buttons which, when pushed, cause
the device to stop working at the most inopportune times. ..(2) someone
who can make the most amount of words match up with the least amount
of video in the shortest possible amount of time. Usually looks 20 to
30 years older than he is
ENGINEER
..(1)
In television, not much is known about them other than they work Monday
through Friday, 9 to 5, and are never around on weekends. ..(2) Someone
who drives a train.
SHOOTER
..(1)
The guy who sleeps in the store room. ..(2) A disgruntled US Postal
Service employee. (Less than 1% of USPS workers are disgruntled. The
rest are quite happily gruntled.)
CREW
..(1)
Type of haircut favored by engineers. ..(2) The people who do the work
for which the director and producer take all the credit.
FLOOR
MANAGER
..A
person who wears a headset while carrying a clipboard that holds the
latest Racing Form. Adept at wildly waving hands to signal Talent that
something is about to happen, but can't convey what it is.
GRIP
..During
a handshake, a firm one lets the other person know you're confident.
GAFFER
..A
person who purchases a lot of tape.
BEST
BOY
..What
the man who stood up at your wedding was when he was young.
ASSISTANT
..Anyone
whose sole purpose is to tell the intern to run for more coffee.
INTERN
..Anyone
who (a) operates the studio camera or (b) runs for coffee when the Assistant
tells him to.
CONSULTANT
..Someone
who used to work in the industry, but found (s)he could make a lot more
money by designing sets and trying to change the Talent's on-air delivery.
CHYRON
..Bastard
child of the Apple II computer, which puts letters and numbers on the
screen. Used to confuse viewers with misspelled words, and to distract
them from noticing all the dropout in the video.
SWITCHER
..(1)
Another piece of equipment with a lot of numbered buttons which, when
pushed on cue, cause the director to scream. ..(2) The pretty-boy male
news anchor's sexual preference.
SCOPE
..(1)
A green phosphorescent device used to lure and trap engineers. ..(2)
What Talent can be seen gargling with prior to doing an interview.
NEWS
..(1)
What viewers think they will receive after the next commercial. ..(2)
Water-cooler gossip about the Switcher's escapades the previous evening.
ANCHOR
..(1)
A very heavy metal thing designed to hold a boat in one place. ..(2)
The device that should be tied with a short rope to the Talent before
they are tossed overboard.
ENG
CAMERA
..A
device used as a pillow during the Shooter's naps in the store room.
When preparing it for hand-held use, remember to first drink mass quantities
of coffee, tea or Jolt Cola.
STUDIO
CAMERA
..Device
normally operated by interns. (Remember: The end with the handles should
be toward you. The other end should be pointed at the set.)
TRANSMITTER
..(1)
A rather large box with meters. Standing too close for up to one hour
will cause your hair to fall out, leaving you with just enough for a
crew cut. Standing too close for more than one hour will turn you into
an engineer. ..(2) Someone who gives you a viral or bacterial gift.
STUDIO
..A
too-small room with too many hot lights and too little air conditioning.
SET
..Something
for which consultants get paid a lot of money to design (but not build).
Sets must be changed every six months or so.
TAKES
..(1)
What the station owner does with all the money to cover the massive
debt load. ..(2) The exorbitant number of times it takes the director
to get something right.
TALENT
..What
everyone has except the people in front of the camera.
MICROPHONE
..What
the talent always forgets to put on until the Floor Manager is counting
backwards.
MIKE
..(1)
Abbreviation for Microphone ..(2) What you NEVER call a director whose
name is Michael.
TAPE
..(1)
Black or brown stuff that resembles film, except you can't see through
it. Works best when left on the dashboard of the Shooter's car on a
hot day in August. ..(2) Stuff that holds the set together.
DROPOUT
..(1)
What the director did when (s)he was sixteen. ..(2) Schmotz in the picture
that occurs when a tape saturated in McDonald's French fry grease is
played back.
COMMERCIALS
..The
main reason for the existence of television.
PROGRAMMING
..Material
to fill the time between the commercials.
TRAFFIC
..(1)
The department in a television station responsible for inserting "just
one more" commercial per hour. ..(2) The Shooter's favorite excuse for
not getting back to the station in time to air the feature.
"THE GOOD
OLD DAYS"
..A block of
time that ended about a week before you started in this business.
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